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January 2013 - JANET PORCARO

How to convince your ex that it is time to sell!

Does anyone know who said, “The best revenge is living well?” When it comes to life after divorce, the first step is rising above all the negativity. In order to collaborate with your ex, you may want to make nice.
Eileen Barker says in her Huffington post blog.
The pleasure of getting even is short-lived. The best revenge is a happy life. As Oscar Wilde put it, “Always forgive your enemies. Nothing infuriates them so.” Sooner or later, most people do want to resolve their marital conflicts and move on. So the question is, how long will you wait? How much suffering is enough? Who is your anger hurting? You don’t need to wait until the divorce is final and all the dust settled. Forgiveness is possible — and powerful — at any stage.
Once you have forgiven your ex, the next step is to develop a working relationship so that you can pick up the pieces and start building your new lives.  The following strategies will help you to convince your ex about the benefits of selling your home.
  • Uncover the motivation. Ask questions. Why is your ex hanging on to the bricks and morter?  Getting even, holding onto memories, fear of moving on, or wishful thinking are just some of the possibilities. Once you understand the motivation, you can address the objections.
  • If you haven’t already, develop a comprehensive budget to spell out the cost of keeping the home. Facts v. emotion. This budget should include more than just the mortgage payment but also should include utilities, repairs and maintenance, and taxes. Your ex may be surprised. Don’t forget to include transportation costs.
  • Make the argument for maintaining your good credit. Determine all jointly owned assets especially debt obligations. Selling the home may be incredibly useful in elimating debt and maintaining or repairing credit scores.
  • Divorce is all about loss. Sharing your feelings of loss with your ex, may help him/her get in touch with his/her own. Selling will not only help you both let go of the past but also to move on to the next stage in life
  • Break up with the house. Make sure you both understand the feelings underlying your attachment to the home.
  • Paint a picture of the future. If your ex can visualize a better place to live, that may be the ticket to moving on.

Freud once said, “Man never willingly abandons a libidinal position.” Translated into plain English, this means, “The heart is profoundly reluctant to give up a loving bond.” Or to be more pithy, “Once attached, always attached.”
~Judith Ruskay Rabinor, Author of Befriending Your Ex After Divorce

If you can convert your ex into your ally, your relationship will evolve in a positive way. Some end up being great friends. At the very least, it will be easier to communicate. Best of all, you will feel better about yourself, and get that house sold!